life writing

On Jennas, werewolves, and cookies

August 12, 2017

otherwise known as living a creative life with fear and anxiety

This is pretty close to every day me.

Things have been quiet on the blog front for quite some time, ironic because when it was called quiet in the grasp I could never seem to shut up. But then a funny thing happened–I started putting all this pressure on myself to live a life I’d always planned.

I’m pretty sure we all hit 25 or 30 (or whatever big milestone freaks you out) and realize that life is more complicated, more out of control than you ever anticipated. I had no way of knowing that the magazines I was planning to edit would be a very elite business by the time I graduated, and I had no way of knowing how much continued rejection would beat me down and make me doubt my own creative ideas. I had no control over the terrible economy or the awful politics or how either of those things would effect my every day life and dreams.

Stability is something I have always searched for, but I am hopeless about finding it or keeping it. In fact, if things aren’t changing on a fairly regular basis, I get massive anxiety attacks and fear that everything in my life will be exactly the same forever.

So, I’m trying to get back to some of my roots. I want to remember what used to wake me up early in the morning to jot down notes for a novel idea or why I used to stay up late singing a new song. I have been writing stories since I was about 12, singing since I was 5, and yet now that I have spent most of my life loving these things they are somehow getting more difficult, filled with more pressure and expectations.

In an effort to get back some of the me I miss, I am going to start writing here more often, maybe make an occasional video. I am going to sing and write more, without the pressure of knowing if those efforts will ever see the light the day. I am going to make plans for creative projects, set deadlines, but not necessarily make any grand, ambitious plans.

I hope you’ll be along for the ride, or at the very least, I hope that you remember what it is that makes you feel like you. Keep it, or fight to get it back.

P.S. I know the title of this blog post makes very little sense, but trust me when I tell you that cookies, my friend Jenna, weird dreams about werewolves, and the ever-wonderful Mudha are a big part in me trying to get past this fear of creativity. Also, I just finished reading Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, and so I’ve been thinking about this for awhile now.

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life

Welcome, 2017!

January 10, 2017

A Year for Expression and Self Care

2016 has been labeled a Dumpster Fire, and I know that on the big scale, on the things-not-directly-related-to-my-personal-life scale, that is too true. The world out there is poised to collapse, with artists who made so much positive impact dying and political forces moving to destroy basic human rights.

But the thing about 2016 is that, for me, it was the year of anxiety attacks. There were good things that happened–a new job, a couple of maybe-dates, two of my good friends getting married, more confidence in my singing voice, and healthier diet & exercising routine. I tried to focus on creating healthy habits, but I really spent most of the first half of the year curled up in a ball trying to convince myself that my panic attacks were not, in fact, heart attacks.

It means that a year with the potential for great joy–my first trip to NYC, seeing a Broadway play, and BroadwayCon, GeekyCon, new job with bosses/coworkers who appreciate and understand my drive–was really a year when I tried to navigate dealing with massive anxiety. I developed good and bad habits of handling this and then had to back pedal in a lot of ways so that I could try to move forward in 2017.

My resolutions for 2017 are geared toward self care, mostly. They include the following:

stable night routine to promote better sleep
improve my morning routine habits to include more time to focus on things that fill me with gratitude
continue my healthy diet/exercise habits, because they make me feel more successful than I actually am
find ways to use my voice and privilege to promote good journalism, human rights, diversity, and compassion

So the last goal is lofty and vague, but with the current political climate in the country, I need to find ways to give myself hope for the future–for my future, my niece and nephew’s, for Amudha’s, for my family’s, for the people I love and interact with in Arkansas.

There are some amazing things ahead for 2017, but there’s also a fight ahead. I’d like to think the new year will give us some motivation to get started. What are you doing to promote self care and expression in 2017?

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life

On Maintaining Long Distance (Best) Friendships

January 5, 2017

Real talk. Relationships are hard. Relationships with family, friends, co-workers, lovers. Long distance relationships are hard.

For me, relationships feel extraordinarily hard. With depression and anxiety my brain plays a lot of *fun* tricks when it comes to the people in my life. But then again, I know I’m the luckiest person in the world.

I have a family that loves and supports me. I have an incredible boyfriend who is incredibly loving, understanding, forgiving, caring (really I could go on and on for DAYS. We’re still super gushy and gross with each other. Its been 6 months but still). I have amazing friends that get it when I have to cancel last minute or they don’t hear from me for a few days.

Though my best relationship, my strongest relationship is and always will be with my best friend. (Sorry, Hunter.)

From the moment Jenna and I met, we became best friends. When we moved almost cross country from each other 2 years later, it was ROUGH. I missed being able to see, talk to, and hug my best friend every day. There is a beauty of having your emotional support…your person…in the same physical location as you. Wallowing is a lot easier when you’re sharing your junk food with someone. And on those rare occasions (like in 9 days when she lands in Chicago) we are in the same place we take full advantage of it. We spend our time doing all the things that make us happy, all the right foods, movies, coffee. It is the perfect reset after the roughest of times and the worst life events.

Our times together are rare. Which just means that we have to put in extra work for making our relationship work. We call each other all the time. When we can’t pick up, we don’t worry about it because we know the other one is going to leave a LONG voicemail (Jenna got one that was 5 minutes long once). We vent about everything from when we feel gross to from when someone does something that pisses us the hell off. We lift each other up when we’re down – even if we’re both down at the same time. We keep each other sane when we’re losing it.

Bottom line – We are there for each other all the time. No matter what. We are always there for each other, and honestly? I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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food

From My Dad’s Kitchen: Mushroom Caps

June 27, 2016

Mudha with her parents

There are a lot of anecdotes that I have about my dad. Choosing the right one has been a struggle for the last week and a half. My dad and I have done a lot together, and he’s one of the main pillars that I lean on when the going gets tough. BUT I’m not about to get sentimental because father’s day is still a LONG time away.

Ever since I was little, I would always help my dad out in the kitchen. Usually he would make pizza and/or we’d have tacos and I would be snacking on toppings while his back was turned. This mushroom caps recipe was the first I remember him teaching me, from start to finish, and ever since then it’s been my go-to for everything. From comfort food for a friend who had a long week, or to let me impress this person with something delicious, to “I haven’t seen this chunk of family in about four years so I’m going to make this for them.”

Plate with whatever! We’ve done everything from turning them into sandwiches (broil on some fresh mozzarella and top with an olive tapenade), with roasted red peppers on a bed of greens, with cacio e pepe (a new favorite- recipe to come) and home style potatoes, whatever you want really.

Portobello Mushroom Caps

2016-05-13 13:37:42

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Ingredients

4 Mushroom caps, de-stemmed and cleaned
1/4 cup olive oil
1/4 cup balsamic vinegar
6 cloves of garlic minced

To Taste

hot sauce
soy sauce/tamari
basil
oregano
red pepper flakes

Instructions

Preheat oven to 375. Prep a baking tray with aluminum foil.
Combine olive oil, balsamic vinegar, hot sauce, soy sauce, basil, oregano, and garlic. This is when personal taste and preference comes in, because you can add as little or as much hot sauce as you want.
Dunk each of the mushrooms in the marinade and place top down on the tray.
Pour any remaining marinade into the mushroom caps. Make sure each cap gets some of the chopped garlic.
Bake for 15-20 minutes. They'll shrink up a little.

Notes

When Dad and I make this, we tend to load it with hot sauce. When we make it for Jenna, we keep it tame-ish. (If I remember correctly she still had trouble with the spice. whoops.) But feel free to adjust the spices to what you prefer!

By Mudha Venugopalan

onthebigadventure https://onthebigadventure.com/

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food life

How To Make Friends and Get Party Invites

April 15, 2016

A Tale Of an Aggressive Friendship and Chocolate Truffles

They say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, and they’re not wrong. In fact, I have found that to be true of most people. (If you’ve ever seen that episode of Friends, you know what I’m talking about.)

As a recent re-transplant to Chicago, with my best friend far far away in Arkansas (I miss you, Jenna) I’ve been determined to expand my social circle beyond my three closest city friends. I took up doing lots of activities, including my favorite of volunteering at the aquarium, where I recently met and aggressively became friends with Subject A.

By aggressive friendship I don’t mean that we started taking swings at each other. I mean we both decided we were going to be friends and then automatically started puppy-dogging each other (following each other along, inviting each other to events, etc.).

Funnily enough this is basically how Jenna and I became friends.

Anyway, fast forward to Pi day, and I go to a Pi day party at Subject A’s house where the first thing that happens when I walk in was for someone (now Subject B) to shove a custom cocktail menu into my hands and demand that I pick one. (I don’t remember what it was called, but I remember it was tasty and had blood oranges in it. Blood oranges are my all time favorite. I worship at the altar of blood oranges.)

This led to me being invited to Subject B’s house for a dinner party. For Pi Day, I made 100 hand pies of varying flavors (recipes on that to follow in the future). Since these guys were all new friends, I wanted to step up my game. Enter The Chocolate Truffles. I probably force fed everyone I saw one of three recipes as I tried to find the right combination for the next party.

Something I really love about this recipe I formulated was that I didn’t need to add any additional sugar or sweetener. Between the high quality of the chocolate and the lightness of the mascarpone cheese, they came out with just the right amount of sweet.

I’d like to say that it was my winning personality that won over my new friends, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that these chocolate truffles had something to do with it.

Dark Chocolate Tiramisu Truffles

2016-04-13 18:31:28

This recipe calls for two mixing bowls, 1-2 cookie sheets, parchment paper, a fork, and a melon baller.

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Ingredients

2 10 oz. bags of high quality dark chocolate chips
1 8 oz. package of mascarpone cheese
1 c. freshly brewed, hot coffee

Optional

Crushed Lady Fingers
Amaretto or Coffee Liqueur

Instructions

Melt 1 1/2 c. of dark chocolate in the microwave until 3/4ths of the chips are melted. (Microwave in 30 second intervals.)
Use the hot coffee to melt the rest of the chips until the chocolate is smooth.
Drink whatever coffee you have left over!
Mix in mascarpone cheese. The end result should look something like chocolate pudding.
Optional step! Mix in a shot or two of amaretto or liqueur.
Freeze until the mixture is completely cooled and easy to work with (about 3-4 hours).
Line cookie sheets with parchment paper.
Using the smallest end of a melon baller to form mixture into balls, placing them on sheets. (You might also need to shape the balls with your hands, rinsing your hands every 10 balls to prevent them from sticking.)
Freeze the trays for at least 1 hour.
Melt 2 c. of chocolate in the microwave.
Using a fork, dip each truffle in chocolate.
Optional step! Top with or roll in crushed lady fingers.
Place on tray lined with parchment paper and freeze for at least two hours.
Serve at room temperature.

Notes

A few things to keep in mind as you recreate this recipe: I chose to microwave chocolate to melt it, but you can use a double boiler if that's your preferred method. You'll achieve the same results; just add the hot coffee to the chocolate all at the start. Also, I kept a warm bowl of water to clean off the melon baller every ten truffle centers that I made. It helped keep the truffles from getting sticky or not being evenly round.
For a vegan alternative: instead of mascarpone cheese, you can achieve a similar center with almond milk. Stir in the almond milk little by little to prevent the chocolate from cooling too quickly and not being smooth.